I’m just so tired

I dont know why I keep trying to act normal….whatever that is. Every time I try to have an opinion wither it be online or real life people act like I’m stupid or over reacting. Constantly hating myself, and how I am because I see how it effects other people is killing me. Not in the dramatic sense…in the literal sense. I feel myself fading away into the darkness more than I ever have in my life. Everything I do is wrong. Every time I try to do something good it goes bad. I try to express an opinion, and they twist my words around so much that it sound like I’m being hateful. It fucking hurts. I don’t give a shit what anyone says about sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me… that is complete, and utter bullshit! That’s why suicide is in such high numbers these days because it’s drilled into our heads at young ages that we shouldn’t be hurt by the things people do to us unless they physically touch us. It’s people’s actions towards you, the way they speak to you, and interact with you that can hurt you so much it starts showing physically. Depression is fucking real. Anxiety is fucking real. All mental illnesses are real but instead of helping we get put into little categories that don’t fit in with the “norm” because we are always told it’s not natural….we are made to believe we are unnatural. It’s freaking natural as hell to me! I can’t make my mind think differently no matter how many positive memes people share, or how many times I’m sternly told to get over it or I’m being too sensitive because other people experienced the same things but reacted differently than me. Why am I broken? Why is it I’m made to feel ashamed because I get sad, and can’t smile like every else in the room?

…I’m no actress.  I never signed up for this role……

Broken, and ashamed

I’m broken. I’ve been broken for so long I can’t remember what it feels like to feel whole. They tell me to think positively but they don’t realize sometimes I just can’t. If they were to look at this like cancer in the brain would they understand more? I DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS. I hate it with every fibre of my being, and I try so hard….I try so hard to think positively to get me through.  What do you do when your mind refuses to allow positive , and only negative MEMORIES flood your head? It’s like an invisible growth blocking happiness from reaching me. I don’t want sympathy.. I just want understanding. Understand that because I’m sad it doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, and appreciate them in my life. It means I think I am a bother to them, and that I make THEM unhappy. I keep myself away to protect them from having to deal with me! I’m not being selfish when I think about ending my life. I’m thinking about how much less they would have to worry about without me here. 

So if my negativeness bothers you then it means I am right. So when you tell me to “just think positively” I hear “your not good enough to be around so be someone who makes me feel comfortable”. You are asking me to be someone I CAN’T be. 

I make you uncomfortable because I don’t smile, and I wander off into thought returning sometimes withdrawn because of what crossed my mind in those moments. Don’t take it personally… It’s who I am, and if you want to be in my life because you love/care/like me wouldn’t you accept all of me? Even my brokeness? So to protect myself from the sting of not being good enough or bothering someone I stay home as much as possible. Then I’m called out for being anti social or not doing anything… It’s a vicious cycle, and I often feel I make everything worse for everyone around me. 
I want to help people understand but they just want me to be who makes them comfortable… When I’m in a mood all you need to do is distract my thoughts by conversation or something not give me a lecture about how I can be like you. 
I probably repeated myself or made no sense but this is just ramblings from my mind, and they are usually scatter-brained thoughts. 

Keyboard confidence

So as I sit outside on this beautiful day I realize how social, and confident I feel online compared to in person. I can never truly say what I want 100% in my life because I am constantly playing out scenarios in my head if I say certain things. Often I am there just quiet saying nothing but general “yes” or “no” answers because I don’t want to upset anyone. 

Online I feel safe because if I second guess myself I can go back and delete or edit what I said. In real life it doesn’t work that way. If I am passionate about something though I can get carried away easily. As soon as that happens, and it’s over I begin to feel it. Anxiety creeps in, and I start getting warm. Then my entire body feels like it’s burning up(most definitely you could tell from my red face), and my head spins. Going to work every day I felt/feel physically sick not knowing what I might face or who I may upset somehow. Even though deep inside me I know things will likely be fine. I can’t shake it off on my own. I have this need to want to make other people happy, or at least not making them unhappy with me. Often I find myself compromising my comfort zone to please people. Sometimes I don’t even know these people. It’s just who I am. So now knowing that I avoid leaving the house as much as possible because I don’t feel confident in my ability to handle situations. So online is my getaway. Of course I go outside but even in my yard I don’t feel safe or 100% relaxed without the aid of my choice of treatment. So I’m going to use this confident moment I’m having to write:

I know I often write, or share things on social media about my anxiety but it’s all I know. Anxiety controls my life. Because of anxiety I met my lovely sidekick depression. My dark passenger as I like to call it. I use to spend so much time in my bed because of the pills the doctor prescribed me. Depression makes me feel like every step I take has me pulling chains behind me. It sneaks in during happy moments, and battles me for that smile on my face. Always trying to take control. It hits me at my lowest moments causing me to think about every possible way to end feeling like this. Some days I feel like a victor, and others I’m feeling much more like a jester. Today though I will be thankful for the moments like this one. Moments where I feel confident enough to write without deleting so I can get some things off my mind to help people understand me. I’m a masterpiece in progress.

Darkness

I sleep to escape but even in my dreams it comes for me

I struggle to find purpose in this life, struggling to be free

I am a prisoner of sorts but not the kind you see on TV

I’m a prisoner of a darkness that takes over me

I fight with these demons that just won’t go away

My mind isn’t a battlefield but it feels like it every day

The Darkness is the enemy fighting against who I use to be

The question is who will see victory, the darkness or me?

 

 

 

 

A moment of inspiration

I might regret posting this later but right now I’m really feeling the need to write. I saw some things online that bothered me. I get worked up easily sometimes because I feel so passionately about something. Regret follows some of those moments but other times I feel good about myself for standing up for a subject or issue I feel is important. I don’t pretend to care because I think it makes me look good. I genuinely care. I wrote this “poem” tonight while thinking of how much change can happen when people come together instead of fight against each other. How much our future generations can do if they knew the possibilities.

_______________________________

The colour of your skin does not defy you,

Please don’t let society distort your view,

Be who you are and never be ashamed,

Live your life for the moment be untamed

Rise above all the hate the violence and blame,

Everyone is different no two people are the same,

don’t believe everything that they say,

Change your tomorrow by starting today,

What’s done is done and we can’t go back,

We have to start over somewhere and stay on track,

No matter your past your religion or colour,

We need to respect and care for each other,

If we all work together we could have the power,

Use your voice for change and never cower.

_______________________________

I know it’s probably not a great poem. My main goal was the message I was attempting to get across.

Enjoy your day:)

Hello World

Sharing my thoughts and feelings with possibly anyone in the world isn’t easy, so please bear with me as I learn what it is I am doing here. I’m suppose to introduce myself in this post, but that’s hard for me because I’m actually just starting to get to know who I really am. Writing was something I always turned to growing up as a source of relief from the world. I would write my thoughts, my dreams, and anything else that would come to mind.

I can tell you the basics about me. I’m a 30-year-old female who lives in Canada. I am a married mother of four children(13,10,5, and 6), and three fur babies(A dog, and two cats). I love music, comedy, and anything that involves time with family. I’m pretty boring on the life experience front but I hope to make up for that in the years to come. In the “real world” I’m a super quiet, keep to myself, type of person.

I’m not really aiming to gain any certain number of readers, or become some well-known blogger. I just want to be able to express myself in the only way I have ever known, even if it means writing to myself. Paper gets lost easily, so I thought I would give blogging a try. Give my children something to look back on if anything were to happen to me, my legacy perhaps. I am pretty random on things I talk about and sometimes I get carried away and jump from one topic to the next, you could say I’m scatter-brained.

I’m looking forward to seeing if anyone reads my blog, or how well it helps me learn about myself. There is something about writing out my thoughts that is pure therapy for me. I love different points of views on subjects, and learning new things. Hopefully I can connect with people who share the same thoughts or beliefs as me, or people who can teach me new things that I’ve never thought of before. My mind is wide open to exploring all the different cultures, religions, and even politics of the world.

So here it goes….. HELLO WORLD!